The first step is to recognize that Hashem has carefully chosen the ideal match for you, and He wants you to find him or her. But, that person might not resemble the image that you have fashioned in your mind. He may not have the qualities that you think are essential, and she may come with other traits that you don’t think are particularly helpful.

And this is the critical point—the point that most people miss, the point that causes so much misery. It’s not your job to know. You can’t know. That’s Hashem’s job.

Hashem is the wise and generous Creator. Hashem knows the future as He knows the past. Hashem knows better than you do what’s best for you. And Hashem has selected the ideal match for you. Your job is to go out and find him.

To make it easier, Hashem has given us an intuition to know who that person is. That intuition is similar to the intuition that guides us in other areas of life.

Choosing a Career

The Chovos HaLevavos (Sha’ar Bitachon 3) explains that Hashem implanted into each species of animal the tools and the aptitude to hunt for a particular food and the appetite for it. The cow desires grass. The cat craves the mouse. The robin hungers for the worm. These are natural instincts that direct the animal toward what it needs for its sustenance.

So, too, with man. In order to help us earn a living, Hashem implanted in each person an inclination toward a particular type of work. Some people like to work with their hands. Some individuals are real numbers people. Some are natural businessmen. When my son was six years old, he was already buying and selling stuff. I said to my wife, “It’s pretty clear what he should be doing to earn a living.”

Hashem gave each person certain skills and the preference for a specific profession in order to support themselves. When choosing a career, the correct hishtadlus is to follow that predisposition. That’s what Hashem wants that person to do in order to earn a living.

So, too, when choosing a spouse. Hashem gave us the instinct to recognize our bashert. The system that we use to identify that person has two parts to it.

The Paper Test

The first is done before the two meet. Ideally, before anyone has seen anyone and certainly before there is any involvement or emotional investment, you take the “paper test.”

The paper test consists of asking the question: “On paper, do they match?” Are they looking for the same things in life? Do they share a similar outlook? Do they have compatible aspirations for their home? For their families? For life? If he intends to learn for the next ten years, and she only shops in Saks Fifth Avenue—we have a problem.

The paper test determines from an objective standpoint whether this is a good match. That doesn’t mean, “Do they have the same sense of humor?” “Are they equally intelligent?” “Are they similar in personality?” Those are compatibility issues—issues that only they can answer—and only in the second stage of the process.

The paper test is also where you look for things that you won’t see on the date. Is she emotionally stable? Does he have a drinking problem? Are there things in his past that might prevent him from being a supportive husband?

Assuming that the two are holding in about the same place in life, and there are no skeletons in the closet, they meet. Here, however, is where most people make their mistake.

Getting It Almost Right

Mark Twain used to say the difference between almost the right word and the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug—a mighty big difference. In a similar sense, the difference between the way people date and the way they should be dating is often worlds apart.

The reason you meet isn’t because you are looking for “the best girl in Brooklyn” or for “the person with the best middos.” Nor are you searching for “the person you want to spend your life with.” You are looking for the person who was chosen for you.

Not the one who comes closest to your image of what you want. Not someone who’s tall or short, fat or skinny, smart or dumb, introverted or extroverted. You are looking for your bashert—and you don’t know what she looks like, what her personality is like, what type of family she comes from, or even what type of person she is. There is only one way to know if she is the one—you take the Bashert Test.

The Bashert Test

The Bashert Test consists of meeting this person and seeing how you feel. Do you feel comfortable? Do you enjoy her company? Does it just sort of feel right?

Not deep, mad, passionate love. Not fireworks being shot off rooftops. Not even “Wow!” Just, does it feel natural? Your hishtadlus is to see if you feel an intuitive sense that this is the right one.

The questions to ask yourself are: Did I enjoy the dates? Do I look forward to seeing her again? Does it sort of seem to click?

There need not be any high level emotionality. No heart palpations and no shortness of breath. (Those are sure signs of infatuation, which if anything may cloud your vision.) Just an inner sense of peace. A feeling that it’s natural. We enjoy being with each other. It somehow feels like I’ve known her all of my life.

You’re looking for a feeling that this is the right one. When you have that, you move forward with the confidence that Hashem runs the world and that He has guided you to your bashert. And that is the point—Hashem has made the choice; you are out there to find the one that Hashem has chosen for you.

This is an excerpt from the new Shmuz on Bitachon book: Finding and Keeping your Soul mate. Look for it, June 1, in stores and online at www.theShmuz.com

Rabbi Shafier

Born and bred in Kew Gardens Hills, NY, Rabbi Shafier joined the Chofetz Chaim Yeshiva after high school. Shortly after he married, he and his new family moved to Rochester, NY, where he was a high school rebbe for twelve years. It was there that the Shmuz was born. He then moved to Monsey, NY where he was a rebbe in the new Chofetz Chaim branch for three years. Upon the Rosh Yeshiva’s request, he stopped teaching to devote his time to running Tiferes Bnei Torah and the Shmuz.

Rabbi Shafier, a happily married father of six children (and two grandchildren) currently resides in Monsey

The post Jewish Dating: The Bashert Test appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

Once upon a time, the grandmother of a boy would see a girl at shul and say, “I have the best boy for you!” She’d give a few details, and the young people would agree to go out and see for themselves if the shidduch was shayach (suitable). This is the way all of our grandparents would do it. Someone would meet a great girl at a shabbos meal, and ask her out. Or they’d meet at the Night of Stars”, a planned event where marriageable age singles would go and meet each other. Times have changed since that decade and have left many of us in the dark. Mothers and singles feel at the mercy of shadchanim, who are overloaded with singles, have limited hours in the day, and are not compensated for their hours and hours of time spent doing this most important job. Most shadchanim I speak to wish there was a different way, and that their role of being a shadchan was unnecessary, since it would be so much easier for singles to be able to meet on their own.

Today, however, resumes are crucial to our shidduchim. It’s the only way to put out there most of the imformation people ask for when inquiring about a single they’re looking into. However resumes they have their drawbacks. It very often happens that a shidduch is stopped in its tracks even before the couple gets to meet. Yes,there is a great deal of information on paper, but could it be that that is the problem? A piece of paper should never replace going out on a first date and seeing where it goes. But, unfortunately, when everything about a person is in front of you on that resume, it can lead singles to forget the big picture of who a person is, and they refuse to even go on a date. This happens even when the girl and boy are in the same town. Rather, singles tend to revert to the perfect picture that exists only in their minds. Feeling that things can not be compromised on, they say it doesn’t seem ideal, so “why give it a date?” As the famous quote goes, “Don’t let the imaginary person in your head keep you from learning to love the person standing right in front of you.”

I have seen many examples of such situations, which I feel must be told to others as a learning experience. For instance, one boy said no to meeting a wonderful, beautiful girl, living in the same town. This was because, after inquiring how outgoing the girl was, on a scale of one to ten, he heard she was a seven – and he said, “I need more of an eight, personality-wise.” I have heard from the parent of a kollel boy that he would like a girl who shops at high-end stores like Saks 5^th Ave and Nordstrom rather than Macy’s-type stores, yet she should also be open to supporting him in learning for the first five years. I’ve had a girl go out who told me everything was perfect with a boy she was dating, however it bothered her too much that he was only 2 inches taller than her.

It’s not just the boys, though. Many girls say no to even giving a wonderful guy a chance because something on his resume is not perfectly in line with her ideal picture. For instance I have seen girls nix shidduchim with wonderfully shtark (religiously strong) and learned boys, because they were looking for someone in full-time learning, and the boy on paper had plans to go to work and be kovea itim. I have also often heard girls say no because a boy seemed “too quiet” on paper. There is nothing wrong with having a general picture of what you are looking for, but if you have everything planned out, and you see something different on a resume, don’t make the mistake of saying no to meeting the boy because of this. A resume should never replace a date.

As Rabbi Manis Friedman once said, rather than looking for the perfect guy or the perfect girl, our singles should be looking for a good wife, or a good husband. Because as we all know, the perfect guy/girl does not exist; and if one thinks she exists, and one marries someone he thinks is perfect, he is in for a shock once he is actually married to the person, and will have a lot to work on during marriage. Yes one must be very attracted to the person he marries, but if he’s looking to get married he must also realize and come to terms that this perfect girl will age, she will gain weight while pregnant, and if he only married her because she was ‘the perfect girl’ – he will have many issues staying married. Rather than if he’s looking for an amazing wife, which includes being attracted (but in no way looking for perfection) those qualities are ones that never age and never fade.

As long as the important basics are there – basics such as middos (character), how the person treats others, chesed, basic attraction, and other qualities that are crucial to a happy marriage, please do yourselves a favor and give it a date to see if things go well in person.

Part 2 to follow….

Author Biography: Michelle Mond from Baltimore, MD is a licensed Esthetician by profession, and is currently working as a busy wife and mother. In her extra time she works as a shadchan for young men and women all over the US, in addition to writing about shidduch-related topics for local papers.

The post Tips for Jewish Singles: How to Maximize your Shidduchim and Find Your Bashert More Easily – Part 1 appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.