Jewish Dating During These Times

By Jewish Dating site SawYouAtSinai’s matchmaker Yifat Schulsinger

 
The last few weeks is hitting us in areas of life we never anticipated. My husband goes to work in the hospital daily to treat patients , while I am at home with the kids.  It is a time of uncertainty as we are all separated and worried about every aspect of our lives.  Yet, I plea-  Please do not stop your search for a life partner and family.  Historically, as Jews,  we have  survived trying times of wars and plagues and personal loses and found our life partners out of the most trying circumstances.  May we be motivated to continue, with more “kavana” now.  Jewish dating is so important.
 
As we adjust to lives in self isolation / quarantine – we have an opportunity to actively pursue dating, but in a completely distinct way than we have been accustomed.  It may be new for us, however, Long distance Jewish

Jewish Dating during Coronavirus

One way to is begin by introducing yourself in email as an extension of your profile.  It is an opportunity to get the words out as you would like them.  A mix of showing who you are, sharing a little, and mixing in humor with some thoughtful reflection.  However, this should not be your only communication form as it is not real time in real life and can be edited.

Are you looking forward to hearing back from your match after you read a letter or note?   Do you want to write back? Share back?  Do you enjoy the style, language, content of your matches writing?  These are all signs that you “speak the same language” and relate.  This is part of building a relationship that otherwise may never developed by traditional dating because one of you would have dismissed the other before it reached this point.   So, here is a chance to start a new with a fresh perspective:
 
 

Some tips for writing- as a reader:

– Do not judge the person by the writing. It is a part of them, a part they are showing you, you still need to consider other factors.  Do not limit yourself to only writing, but this is a unique way to begin.

-As a writer:  do not begin great length essays, just as you would not monopolize a conversation in person- you are expressing yourself and also asking your match about themselves.

Some forethought is good in writing, however,  not overthink either writing or reading, it is a balance.  Letter writing has been used by all cultural historically in romantic relationships- and now it can have a come back period!
 
Another online form of communication is by SMS text- normally we do not encourage matches to use this as a primary source of communication as it can be a crutch.  Miscommunications occurs with texting often as it  uses abbreviations and is is generally quickly sent in a more casual attitude.  It does have a place though- it is good for short introductions,  scheduling times to talk, and at times it is good for sharing, just do not use it as your primary  “talking”.
 
Ready for phone calls?  There are So many options- the traditional call is used hearing and listening to your match but not seeing them.  This can take out the extra unease of how you look, your surroundings, and allow you to  concentrate on one another. As you dial the number- Smile before speaking on your first hello- it will be felt by the other side and help break the ice.

Try to find a time that you have little distractions, Have privacy if possible, and  refrain from scrolling on your cell phone while you are on the phone  with your mini date!  Your focus is on your match and being distracted is also sensed by the other side and you will miss out on really giving your potential match a full chance to get to know one another.

If you find you are talking long periods and look forward to speaking again, it is a sign it  this as it is going well!
 
Long distance WhatsApp chat are also a combination of email writing and texts chats without the long distance charges or international charges.  Use the Same guidelines -welcome the communication,  but it should not be your only contact form.
 
The ultimate online communication- FaceTime, ZOOM, or other face to face talks-after all that are  ready to see one another? Please prepare just as you would for a real date your first time- ladies – hair, makeup, dress up are all important but not as stressful as a real in person date.  This is the first impression and showing you care makes a difference.   Even actors ,  politicians, and  any one greeting people are prepared before a meeting by appearance; they do not go out without getting dressed up for the occasion.  We know this can feel personal- as if photos and appearance is the reason for interest- but remember the interest was already there.  That is how you got to this stage, and now this is another level.
 
Brush or comb your hair, check your collar, check yourself in the mirror.  Clean and ready, show you care as well.  Attraction goes both ways as does self care.  Both of men and women look at what the camera sees next to you and beside you- clear the area, have a pleasant backdrop and if possible -privacy to speak.  If you already communicated by writing you can start a conversation leading off a comment or something you liked- something positive that interests you.

You will have plenty of time to discuss real issues of life goals, ideals, family history, your haskafa/ Jewish identify,  but start the conversation with a positive to encourage one another.  Facetime now counts as dating-it is time getting to know one another, and seeing if you want to continue to the next step.
 
At this time we do not know if this situation will be long weeks or months or until next winter- as Jews we have historically gone through traumatic times.   Traumatic periods have compelled couples to recognize Jewish marriage and family as vital in moving forward.  We are sharing this difficult time together.  One of the conflicts in modern dating/ shidduchim is singles easily dismissing potential matches and not giving it a chance to see is it bershert .

Right now, as we are home bound, we have sincere time to reflect and concentrate on each match in a new light.  May something good come from this difficult time!
 
May you be able to meet in person those matches you have build a virtual relationship with.  Right now distance does not matter, and maybe not having that as consideration will allow us to be more open to matches.  If you do find it was not a match, its okay! You spend the time connecting with someone isolation and are ready to move forward to continue finding your soulmate!
 
On a personal note, I met my husband online  (pre SawYouAtsinai) when online was just beginning to be accepted as a legitimate way to meet.  I will tell you that emailing was our way of communicating.    We shared a great deal, and build the beginning of our relationship writing prior to meeting in person.  I cherish those times and it is special to read back.
 
By the time my husband and I  met in person the build up of meeting was great- and let me tell you the very beginning of that first person- to—person date felt awkward!  That was unexpected.  I had to remind myself this was the same person I had been talking to…and sure enough, by the end that day,  I knew- this is meant to be.  But I did not know when I sat down as I expected it to be natural immediately!  Do not predetermine or expect you will know right away- maybe you will, but give it a chance to develop.  The silver lining of progressing in a relationship online or by writing or calls is  opportunity for someone who may be an introvert or shy about dating to begin from the comfort of home.  Maybe it is an opportunity to share with someone you thought you would never date, just as I was a divorcée with kids,  and my husband had never been married.  Who would have thought we would match or accept our situations irony? Our relationships developed against odds, and that is why I believe you truly never know and please be open to opportunities even if they feel like a long shot.
 
My personal experiences with online dating  continues:, my own daughter met her chasson less than a year ago on SawYouAtSinai!  We are  Two generations, in  two completely different places in life, two different orientations religiously, and we both shared in this experience.
 
While My relationship with my husband started with technology, my daughter and son-in-law had different dating rules/expectations, which did not encourage online chats.  Their teachings  guided them to meet in person.. first and foremost.  Only after they dated exclusively did they communicate online on their own.  Their experience was the opposite of what we are suggesting during the quarantines.  We should adjust to the present time.  If you wait for the right time and right person- you will keep waiting.  In both scenarios, we were both actively engaged in making it work regardless of personal difficult times.
 
May the unfortunate times motivate us to truly challenge ourselves -to  Not hold back and to give each mutual match a chance in the fittingly called SawYouAtSinai site during this Pesach.

May we get through this time safely and with meaning.  May we work toward finding our match now no matter the obstacles and continue our next generations not alone.

The post Jewish Dating During These Times appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

Following your gut feeling is best. Why waste your time with a commitment phobic? The longer you stay, the more involve you get, the harder it is to break away.

By Yani Gantz, a Jewish dating and relationships expert, and the Founder and CEO of  www.yourlifeadviser.com.

We hope you enjoyed this Jewish Dating blog post!

The post Jewish Dating: Commitment Phobia appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

At Migdal Ohr she received all she needed educationally, physically and emotionally! Guided by teachers with never-ending warmth and love, she received a well-rounded education.  She also benefited from individual and group therapy sessions to overcome several issues from her tumultuous childhood. Due to her outstanding talents, she progressed amazingly in all fields of study. After graduation, she attended seminary, followed by university studies which Migdal Ohr offered her a scholarship for, and eventually received her CPA certification.

In her early 20’s she started actively dating and friends and matchmakers were always setting her up on dates. Being the beautiful and talented girl that she was, she was very selective about the young men she went out with. Finally, she went out with someone she was head over heels for and truly felt like he was “the one” – Eli. After 12 dates, Eli was still holding back about getting serious! Hila was concerned and feeling very vulnerable. She spoke to Rebbetzin Esther Grossman, her mentor and mother-figure from Migdal Ohr, about her concerns.

The Rebbetzin went to meet with Eli herself to get to the bottom of the situation. It didn’t take long for Eli to divulge what was holding him back – he was also very interested in Hila, but was skeptical about her upbringing and lack of a familial support. For him, it was incredibly important to have to have family to turn to as an outside support system to help financially, emotionally, and spiritually. When he imagined a possible future together, he viewed this is a major setback.

At that point, Rebbetzin Grossman was the one to open up to Eli. She explained to Eli that Migdal Ohr is more than just a school – it really is a family. All of the students come from broken homes and the staff at Migdal Ohr becomes their support system and that relationship does not end after the students graduate. Once someone is part of the family, the connection and bond lasts forever! There is an unconditional love that develops and the staff, particularly Rebbetzin Grossman and her husband Rabbi Grossman, are always there for the alumni who need them. She assured him that Hila does have a loving family so if that’s his only concern about moving forward with their relationship he should consider it non-existent.

Within a couple months after their conversation, the Rebbetzin received a call from Hila that she and Eli were engaged! As an alumna of Migdal Ohr, Hila turned to the Migdal Ohr Bridal Fund which helps pay for alumni weddings and gives the couple assistance with furniture, rent and more to set up their new home together. Rabbi Grossman officiated the marriage ceremony, and Hila and Eli were able to begin their married life together on the right foot and were so excited for what the future held.

Fast-forward to today – Hila now works in a government office and Eli works in IT, but also makes time to learn. True to her word, any time a problem arose, Hila and Eli had Rabbi and Rebbetzin Grossman to turn to in order to help sort it out. Hila and Eli are happily married for four years now and have 2 children and one on the way!

If you are interested in learning more about Migdal Ohr or the Migdal Ohr Bridal Fund, or would like to help an underprivileged bride like Hila, please visit www.migdalohrusa.org.

The post Jewish Dating: HILA’S INSPIRING STORY appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

The first step is to recognize that Hashem has carefully chosen the ideal match for you, and He wants you to find him or her. But, that person might not resemble the image that you have fashioned in your mind. He may not have the qualities that you think are essential, and she may come with other traits that you don’t think are particularly helpful.

And this is the critical point—the point that most people miss, the point that causes so much misery. It’s not your job to know. You can’t know. That’s Hashem’s job.

Hashem is the wise and generous Creator. Hashem knows the future as He knows the past. Hashem knows better than you do what’s best for you. And Hashem has selected the ideal match for you. Your job is to go out and find him.

To make it easier, Hashem has given us an intuition to know who that person is. That intuition is similar to the intuition that guides us in other areas of life.

Choosing a Career

The Chovos HaLevavos (Sha’ar Bitachon 3) explains that Hashem implanted into each species of animal the tools and the aptitude to hunt for a particular food and the appetite for it. The cow desires grass. The cat craves the mouse. The robin hungers for the worm. These are natural instincts that direct the animal toward what it needs for its sustenance.

So, too, with man. In order to help us earn a living, Hashem implanted in each person an inclination toward a particular type of work. Some people like to work with their hands. Some individuals are real numbers people. Some are natural businessmen. When my son was six years old, he was already buying and selling stuff. I said to my wife, “It’s pretty clear what he should be doing to earn a living.”

Hashem gave each person certain skills and the preference for a specific profession in order to support themselves. When choosing a career, the correct hishtadlus is to follow that predisposition. That’s what Hashem wants that person to do in order to earn a living.

So, too, when choosing a spouse. Hashem gave us the instinct to recognize our bashert. The system that we use to identify that person has two parts to it.

The Paper Test

The first is done before the two meet. Ideally, before anyone has seen anyone and certainly before there is any involvement or emotional investment, you take the “paper test.”

The paper test consists of asking the question: “On paper, do they match?” Are they looking for the same things in life? Do they share a similar outlook? Do they have compatible aspirations for their home? For their families? For life? If he intends to learn for the next ten years, and she only shops in Saks Fifth Avenue—we have a problem.

The paper test determines from an objective standpoint whether this is a good match. That doesn’t mean, “Do they have the same sense of humor?” “Are they equally intelligent?” “Are they similar in personality?” Those are compatibility issues—issues that only they can answer—and only in the second stage of the process.

The paper test is also where you look for things that you won’t see on the date. Is she emotionally stable? Does he have a drinking problem? Are there things in his past that might prevent him from being a supportive husband?

Assuming that the two are holding in about the same place in life, and there are no skeletons in the closet, they meet. Here, however, is where most people make their mistake.

Getting It Almost Right

Mark Twain used to say the difference between almost the right word and the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug—a mighty big difference. In a similar sense, the difference between the way people date and the way they should be dating is often worlds apart.

The reason you meet isn’t because you are looking for “the best girl in Brooklyn” or for “the person with the best middos.” Nor are you searching for “the person you want to spend your life with.” You are looking for the person who was chosen for you.

Not the one who comes closest to your image of what you want. Not someone who’s tall or short, fat or skinny, smart or dumb, introverted or extroverted. You are looking for your bashert—and you don’t know what she looks like, what her personality is like, what type of family she comes from, or even what type of person she is. There is only one way to know if she is the one—you take the Bashert Test.

The Bashert Test

The Bashert Test consists of meeting this person and seeing how you feel. Do you feel comfortable? Do you enjoy her company? Does it just sort of feel right?

Not deep, mad, passionate love. Not fireworks being shot off rooftops. Not even “Wow!” Just, does it feel natural? Your hishtadlus is to see if you feel an intuitive sense that this is the right one.

The questions to ask yourself are: Did I enjoy the dates? Do I look forward to seeing her again? Does it sort of seem to click?

There need not be any high level emotionality. No heart palpations and no shortness of breath. (Those are sure signs of infatuation, which if anything may cloud your vision.) Just an inner sense of peace. A feeling that it’s natural. We enjoy being with each other. It somehow feels like I’ve known her all of my life.

You’re looking for a feeling that this is the right one. When you have that, you move forward with the confidence that Hashem runs the world and that He has guided you to your bashert. And that is the point—Hashem has made the choice; you are out there to find the one that Hashem has chosen for you.

This is an excerpt from the new Shmuz on Bitachon book: Finding and Keeping your Soul mate. Look for it, June 1, in stores and online at www.theShmuz.com

Rabbi Shafier

Born and bred in Kew Gardens Hills, NY, Rabbi Shafier joined the Chofetz Chaim Yeshiva after high school. Shortly after he married, he and his new family moved to Rochester, NY, where he was a high school rebbe for twelve years. It was there that the Shmuz was born. He then moved to Monsey, NY where he was a rebbe in the new Chofetz Chaim branch for three years. Upon the Rosh Yeshiva’s request, he stopped teaching to devote his time to running Tiferes Bnei Torah and the Shmuz.

Rabbi Shafier, a happily married father of six children (and two grandchildren) currently resides in Monsey

The post Jewish Dating: The Bashert Test appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

You realize your date is not a good fit for you after one or two dates. How do you ‘break up’? While I usually recommend going on at least two dates with most people, sometimes there are red flags after only one date. You know that person isn’t right for you, but it can be uncomfortable to tell your date you’re not interested. You don’t want to hurt their feelings.

Do you pull a disappearing act and never speak to them again? Or do you lie and say you’ve rekindled a relationship with an old flame?

There’s a better way to say goodbye.

Of course you don’t want to hurt your date’s feelings. I agree; we should treat everyone with kindness.

But I also believe we should strive to be truthful. Here’s how to end things with kindness and honesty, whether it’s after one date or a few.

I’ll illustrate with a story.

‘Sara’ was supposed to have a coffee date with a new man she met online. He called to cancel that afternoon. “My new iPhone broke today”, he said, “So, I have to cancel our date”.

“What does a broken phone have to do with meeting for coffee?” she thought. She was concerned that he might be an anxious guy who doesn’t do well in a crisis, which is a deal breaker for her.

But, she didn’t want to read too much into things before meeting him. So, she agreed to reschedule for the following week.

The first date

He greeted her outside Starbucks, and as they walked in, he told her he doesn’t drink coffee or tea. “That’s a bit strange,” thought Sara. “Why did he ask me to meet him at a coffee shop?” But, she was trying really hard not to judge him, and she took a deep breath and smiled. He ordered lemonade, she an iced latte, and they sat down to talk.

The conversation was a bit awkward at first, but as he relaxed, there was more of a flow.

They even laughed a few times, which is a good sign of connection. They discovered they had friends in common and enjoyed many of the same activities.

He admitted to being nervous, and she knew that first dates are not always a good indicator of a person’s full personality. A second date might bring him out more. So when he asked if she’d see him again, she said yes.

He started texting the next day, and that’s when things started to get weird.

Him: Hi!

Five minutes later…

Him: I found you on Facebook. Such beautiful pictures of you! Now I’m going to be tongue-tied the next time I see you!

Sara: Thanks for the compliment. I saw that you sent me a friend request on Facebook. Nothing personal, but I am not going to accept your request, because I don’t like to be connected on social media with people I date.

(Sara started to feel that he was stalking her.)

Him: Well, that means we are going to date! We both will be speechless on the next date!

That last text made Sara very uncomfortable. He was overly emotive, anxious, and seemed to lack confidence as well.

She had already promised him a second date, but she was certain she didn’t want to see him again.

She wanted to end things kindly and firmly. Here’s what she wrote:

“This is not easy for me to say, and perhaps it won’t be easy for you to hear. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s best not to continue dating. You seem like a wonderful person with many great qualities. I’m looking for someone who matches with my unique interests, goals and personality in a different way. I certainly hope you can understand. I enjoyed meeting you and wish you the best. I just know I am not the right person for you and want you to find the one that is.”

He immediately wrote back: “I can’t say I’m not disappointed, but I understand. It was very nice meeting you and I wish you nothing but the best. You deserve it.”

Lesson learned: listen to your gut.

Have you ever ignored your wise inner voice, the voice that recognizes red flags? That voice knows what’s best for you. And if it’s telling you that there’s something really off with the person you’re dating, listen closely.

Better to end things right away when the message is loud and clear.

It’s also important to know when to go out again.

Go out on a second or third date if you share common values, you have a similar worldview, and you’re enjoying yourself when you’re together. Do you laugh? Is the conversation interesting? If there are no big red flags, go out again. Often people open up and relax on the second or third date, and that’s when sparks begin to fly.

In Sara’s case, the red flags were there. She dismissed a few yellow flags (canceling a date because of a broken phone, taking her to a coffee shop when he didn’t drink coffee), but couldn’t dismiss the feeling she had after he stalked her on Facebook.

Have you ever ignored your gut feelings about a date and let things progress for too long? Do you find it difficult to know how to end things after a few dates? Please share your thoughts.

About Sandy Weiner

Sandy Weiner, Dating Coach and Chief Love Officer of Last First Date, is devoted to helping women and men achieve healthy, off the charts love in the second half of life. She’s an internationally known dating coach, blogger, radio host, communications expert, and TEDx speaker. Discover the top 3 mistakes midlife daters make (and how to easily turn them around to find a loving partnership). The guide is yours FREE by clicking here.

The post Jewish Dating Advice: How to ‘Break Up’ After a Few Dates appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

See for Yourself

I know a girl who called a relative in the same yeshiva as a boy she had heard of. This relative made it seem as though the boy was extremely introverted and quiet. The girl knew that this was not what she wanted in a personality and did not pursue the shidduch. A year later, she saw a boy at a simcha – a lively, leibedik boy who really made an impression on her. She went out of her way to find out who this boy was. She rushed around asking all her friends but nobody knew. Finally she asked somebody who knew him and sure enough, it was the same boy whose name had been mentioned to her a year before! Seeing him in person, she was shocked that this was the same person who she was told was so quiet. In reality he was so lively, outgoing, and fun and always had been! It turns out her relative did not know the boy well at all and had the wrong perception, and decided to relay his perception.

Fortunately, he was still available. The girl got a shadchan to redt her to this boy and they have now been happily married for many years, b”H. This story should show how personality is not something that can be merely read off a resume, or heard from others. Truly the only way to know if you will click is by going out and giving it a fair shot. This story also shows that sometimes people really don’t know a boy, and when you hear certain details, you need to take them with a grain of salt. If you go back to the basic principles of what makes a marriage work, and what traits should be important in a match, and all those things are lined up – it’s always worth giving it a date.

After the First Date

After a first or second date, your reaction may be, “Wow, he was a really nice guy, but….” Think about the reasons you want to say no. Are they legitimate reasons? Are they important enough to not give it another date? Committing to a second date is not committing to a marriage; it is simply giving the shidduch time to play itself out. Think about your best friend. Did she become your best friend at your first encounter? In those first three hours of knowing her did you decide she was best friend material? I’m sure you have many good friends who were completely different and gave off a totally different picture the first time you met them. It is similar in a match. The myth of love-at-first-sight/chemistry at first glance is indeed a myth. If you ask married acquaintances if they hit it off the first, or even the first few times they met their spouse, you’d be surprised to hear that usually it was not all perfection and fireworks.

Things were not necessarily ideal or perfect, but there were enough positive traits to give it more dates. As the dates progress, you get to see more and more about the person and can make a clearer decision. Many singles reject a shidduch after a first or second date because they feel that their personalities didn’t “click.” But it is very important to give a person some time to show you their true personality or to merely get used to their personality. On early dates, singles can be slow to open up, and be more quiet or even too outgoing or talkative, because they may want to avoid awkward silences. There are many reasons why things won’t be perfect after the first, or the first few dates, so always think about your reason before giving a no and make sure it’s really legitimate.

A Good Dating Mentor

I cannot stress enough the importance of having a dating mentor who is older and more experienced to help guide you through your dating journey. It is easy to just say no and end a shidduch, but what if a person is pushing away his or her bashert simply because they did not give it enough time? Or what if they’re pushing away a shidduch even before a first date because it doesn’t look 100 percent ideal on the resume, so they don’t even go out? This is where a good dating mentor comes in handy. It is crucial to have someone to talk to and ask advice from, especially when it comes to dating. I try to take on this role as a matchmaker, and coach my singles through their dating. Even more important than having a dating mentor is having an older and experienced dating mentor. For such a sensitive and intricate topic such as your future bashert, you should be getting advice for your particular situation from either parents whom you trust, a Rav or Rebbetzin you’re close with, or someone else who is older and has experience and daas torah. Furthermore, if you have anxiety in general with decision making, what makes you think that it will be an easy shmeezy decision when it comes to finding the right one for you? Is it because all the movies and books you’ve seen project love as this instant moment of clarity? Maybe. What I’m trying to say is that if you do have anxiety and decision making is really hard for you generally, don’t be surprised if you find yourself finding it hard to settle down. You may blame it on this or that, which makes yourself feel validated. However the root of the issue might possibly be a commitment phobia or anxiety issue that you never dealt with. If this might be the case, finding a good therapist to help you through your dating is crucial.

Getting More Dates

Imagine you’re a CPA living in New York City. You’re about to start your job hunt, and everyone you ask has another lead to firms looking for a CPA. Then someone tells you about a great job – an ideal job – in an out of town community, what would you do?

Most people who are from NY, whose entire lives are in NY, would look for a job in NY before traveling to find a job, especially if they have so many promising opportunities where they are. The same goes for dating. A guy living and working or in school/yeshiva in the tri-state area who is getting suggested to many New York and New Jersey girls, will usually go for those ideas first. As we all know, the tri-state area is not a small place, and many options exist there for guys. It might be wise for girls and their parents to put aside the mindset that the boy should always travel to the girl first. While this is true, and in an ideal world, and if he can, the boy should be the one to travel out-of-town for the first date, realistically, a boy may not have a reason to come all the way into Baltimore, even if the shadchan says it’s an “incredible” idea. No doubt five other shadchanim described New York girls as incredible as well. If girls can be flexible about going to New York for a first date or over a weekend and things go super well, it is likely that the boy will make time to continue coming to their town for further dates, or at least the two can switch off traveling. I’ve learned that we just have to be practical about situations, even if reality goes against our preconceived ideas of chivalry. I have an amazing couple who just got engaged, the boy was super busy with work and didn’t have time to travel for dating, and told me to only set him up with girls in the tri-state-area. I happened to find an out of town girl for him, however she was super relaxed and understanding about traveling to him due to his schedule. B’H because of her openness they met, and hit it off, they are now engaged.
(Please note that I am not encouraging boys to stay where they are and not travel, but what I am saying is that if you’re a girl and don’t have many prospects, being open to traveling will open up your options tremendously.)

What if an excellent idea is suggested, but they young man is far away and has an extremely busy schedule? Perhaps he is in an intense master’s program and can’t possibly get out for dating until a scheduled break in the school year. Should this be a reason to nix the idea?

Fortunately, there is hope for such a shidduch to work out. It is an alternative that has proven very successful in bringing two busy people who are geographically far from each other (more than a four-hour car drive) together. Over the past few months I know of at least two mainstream frum couples who have gotten engaged after starting their dating by speaking over Skype. After a few Skype conversations, where things seemed to be going well, the less-busy one of the two traveled to the other. It’s all a matter of being flexible and open. Realize that not every situation is the same, and no person is the same. You may have heard of boys who pick up and travel anywhere they need to go to date girls. Perhaps those boys have a very light schedule. Or maybe they work from their computer, so they can take their work wherever they go. Try not to compare your friends situations, because every situation and person is very different.

Taking the step to engagement: realize it’s okay if you have differences

It is said that bringing two people together is as difficult as kriyas Yam Suf. What does this mean? Just as Hashem had to go against His nature to split the Yam Suf, so, too, a boy and a girl from different backgrounds, with preconceived notions of what their ideal match will be, need to go against their nature and come together despite the inevitable differences and prior expectations. So many people see differences and run away. Those who keep running away may just be escaping commitment, and the one Hashem is sending them. What is crucial to remember is that the decision is supposed to be difficult, especially if you battle anxiety with decisions as it is. The decision is as difficult as splitting the sea. You are two separate souls who have grown up in different places, who have different expectations, and maybe even a different picture of what you always thought you wanted in a spouse. It is when we differentiate our wants from our true needs that we really can become more open-minded, and allow the shidduch to flourish. By doing this, we are in essence allowing the sea to split, leading to our ultimate goal of marriage.

Author Biography: Michelle Mond from Baltimore, MD is a licensed Esthetician by profession, and is currently working as a busy wife and mother. In her extra time she works as a shadchan for young men and women all over the US, in addition to writing about shidduch-related topics for local papers.

The post Tips for Jewish Singles: How to Maximize your Shidduchim and Find Your Bashert More Easily – Part 2 appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

Once upon a time, the grandmother of a boy would see a girl at shul and say, “I have the best boy for you!” She’d give a few details, and the young people would agree to go out and see for themselves if the shidduch was shayach (suitable). This is the way all of our grandparents would do it. Someone would meet a great girl at a shabbos meal, and ask her out. Or they’d meet at the Night of Stars”, a planned event where marriageable age singles would go and meet each other. Times have changed since that decade and have left many of us in the dark. Mothers and singles feel at the mercy of shadchanim, who are overloaded with singles, have limited hours in the day, and are not compensated for their hours and hours of time spent doing this most important job. Most shadchanim I speak to wish there was a different way, and that their role of being a shadchan was unnecessary, since it would be so much easier for singles to be able to meet on their own.

Today, however, resumes are crucial to our shidduchim. It’s the only way to put out there most of the imformation people ask for when inquiring about a single they’re looking into. However resumes they have their drawbacks. It very often happens that a shidduch is stopped in its tracks even before the couple gets to meet. Yes,there is a great deal of information on paper, but could it be that that is the problem? A piece of paper should never replace going out on a first date and seeing where it goes. But, unfortunately, when everything about a person is in front of you on that resume, it can lead singles to forget the big picture of who a person is, and they refuse to even go on a date. This happens even when the girl and boy are in the same town. Rather, singles tend to revert to the perfect picture that exists only in their minds. Feeling that things can not be compromised on, they say it doesn’t seem ideal, so “why give it a date?” As the famous quote goes, “Don’t let the imaginary person in your head keep you from learning to love the person standing right in front of you.”

I have seen many examples of such situations, which I feel must be told to others as a learning experience. For instance, one boy said no to meeting a wonderful, beautiful girl, living in the same town. This was because, after inquiring how outgoing the girl was, on a scale of one to ten, he heard she was a seven – and he said, “I need more of an eight, personality-wise.” I have heard from the parent of a kollel boy that he would like a girl who shops at high-end stores like Saks 5^th Ave and Nordstrom rather than Macy’s-type stores, yet she should also be open to supporting him in learning for the first five years. I’ve had a girl go out who told me everything was perfect with a boy she was dating, however it bothered her too much that he was only 2 inches taller than her.

It’s not just the boys, though. Many girls say no to even giving a wonderful guy a chance because something on his resume is not perfectly in line with her ideal picture. For instance I have seen girls nix shidduchim with wonderfully shtark (religiously strong) and learned boys, because they were looking for someone in full-time learning, and the boy on paper had plans to go to work and be kovea itim. I have also often heard girls say no because a boy seemed “too quiet” on paper. There is nothing wrong with having a general picture of what you are looking for, but if you have everything planned out, and you see something different on a resume, don’t make the mistake of saying no to meeting the boy because of this. A resume should never replace a date.

As Rabbi Manis Friedman once said, rather than looking for the perfect guy or the perfect girl, our singles should be looking for a good wife, or a good husband. Because as we all know, the perfect guy/girl does not exist; and if one thinks she exists, and one marries someone he thinks is perfect, he is in for a shock once he is actually married to the person, and will have a lot to work on during marriage. Yes one must be very attracted to the person he marries, but if he’s looking to get married he must also realize and come to terms that this perfect girl will age, she will gain weight while pregnant, and if he only married her because she was ‘the perfect girl’ – he will have many issues staying married. Rather than if he’s looking for an amazing wife, which includes being attracted (but in no way looking for perfection) those qualities are ones that never age and never fade.

As long as the important basics are there – basics such as middos (character), how the person treats others, chesed, basic attraction, and other qualities that are crucial to a happy marriage, please do yourselves a favor and give it a date to see if things go well in person.

Part 2 to follow….

Author Biography: Michelle Mond from Baltimore, MD is a licensed Esthetician by profession, and is currently working as a busy wife and mother. In her extra time she works as a shadchan for young men and women all over the US, in addition to writing about shidduch-related topics for local papers.

The post Tips for Jewish Singles: How to Maximize your Shidduchim and Find Your Bashert More Easily – Part 1 appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

Boy meets Girl.  Boy falls in love with Girl.  Girl falls in love with Boy.  They get married, ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.  Nowhere in this fairy tale lie the sordid details of their first date.  Did Boy reveal Great Uncle Larry’s propensity to guess the weight of the women in his family?  Did Girl coyly say “I don’t know. Whatever you want to do” to every suggestion Boy made?  I wonder if their first date took on an ominous interview quality.  You know the one…..  “How many kids do you want?  How do you want to raise them?  Where do you see yourself in five years?  Are you going to be a career woman or a stay at home mom?”  I’m not a betting gal, but if I had to take a gamble I’d say Boy and Girl steered clear of the aforementioned chit chat and had glance at this cheat sheet I have prepared for you!

Firstly, I’d like to acknowledge that fabulous people fudge first dates.  People who breeze confidently into business meetings, or manage a classroom of 25 little people can suddenly become undone.  The life of the party becomes the wall flower, or the introverted type is rattling off all the names of the children in his second grade elementary school class.  For the purposes of this article, I am referring to this phenomenon as “Phobic First Daters.” (PFD).  If you are a PFD you know how you feel before and during a first date.  You may place an enormous emphasis on your appearance, or spend your time analyzing your conversation with your date.  Whatever the hyper focus is, it is distracting you from being present on your first date.  Whether you are a Phobic First Dater, toil moderately or simply want to amp up your first date game, here are some useful tips to consider:

1.  Don’t “just relax.” How many well intentioned people have told you to just relax?  If this works for you, just relax and skip to Tip #2.  If you are a dater for whom these words are like nails on a chalk board then this tip is for you.  Instead of trying to relax, acknowledge to yourself that you get stressed before dates.  In other words, own it.  Don’t actively try to rid yourself of this emotion, but imagine the stress passing.  Here is a one popular exercise.  Imagine you are a rock in the ocean.  You are immovable.  The waves thrash upon you, but you know the storm will pass and the sun will shine again; as it always has.  The rock is you before your date.  The waves are the first date jitters.  Say “hello jitters.  We meet again.  You can prep with me before my date if you’d like.”  This may feel counterintuitive but it puts you in control of your nerves.
2.  Revealing personal information should be done in the same manner one might drink a fine wine; slowly. In the now dubbed “Great Uncle Larry” category I include shameful personal secrets, family secrets, politics, worldview and personal relationship expectations.  This may send your date running for the hills not because you aren’t fabulous.  After all, everyone has a skeleton or two.  It is because you are essentially a stranger.  Imagine if a stranger approached you on the street and asked you to look at his sixth toe or told you that he feels essentially unloved by his mother.  It would be awkward.  You may feel bad for this stranger, you may run or you may even want to help, but you wouldn’t be thinking romance.  Here is a basic equation for revealing very personal things: Shared experience, shared sentiment and trust = sharing and revealing.  There’s nothing wrong with a little mystery.  To be Continued….
3.  Smile and make eye contact. Look like you want to be there.  Hold his gaze while he speaks to you.  Smile and gaze and you’re golden!
4.  Use his name in conversation. “John, can you pass the salt?”  “You look lovely this evening, Sarah.”  People love the sound of their own name.  Using her name shows her that you are confident and speaking directly to her.  You are not on a date with anyone else.  You are completely focused on her.  You are not on autopilot.  You are in the moment and present for him.  This is highly attractive.  Hopefully he will want to hear his name roll of your tongue again and again.
5.  Show a healthy curiosity about your date. DO NOT INTERROGATE.  DO NOT INTERVIEW.

DO:  Ask how many siblings he has.  DON’T: Ask who is the favorite child.

DO:  Ask about his fantasy vacation destination.  DON’T: Tell him you would never consider traveling there.

DO: Ask about her job.  DON’T:  Ask what she earns.

DO:  Ask him what his top five favorite books/movies are.  DON’T: tell him you saw the last two movies he mentioned with your ex.

6.  Shower, wear something nice. I’m not suggesting you spend your afternoon in front of the mirror, but looking put together and smelling nice and fresh shows your date that you put in effort because this date means something to you.

In signing off, I will mention the most important tip of all.  Be yourself and you can’t go wrong!

Happy Navidating!

Esther and Jennifer

The Navidaters are dating and relationship therapists and coaches. Located in Lawrence, NY, our services include date debriefing, dating skills, relationship intervention, couples counseling and premarital counseling. Sessions are held in office or by phone or Skype. If you’d like to get in touch with The Navidaters, call us at 516.224.7779, visit us on the web at www.thenavidaters.com or email us thenavidaters@gmail.com. Follow us on Instagram, FB and Twitter. All calls and sessions are confidential.

The post Jewish Dating Tips: FIRST DATES DON’T COME WITH A HANDBOOK…SO HERE’S THE CHEAT SHEET appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

When is the right time for an engagement? When you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, and you can tell your date feels the same way.

For the women- how do you get your date to propose to you? Simply talk directly about it with him, no hints or clues. It doesn’t have to be a secret!

For the men- I’m sure you’ve all heard stories of some ridiculously extravagant proposals, with marching bands and Time Square billboards. You don’t need any of that. It sets a tone for the marriage that cannot possibly be upheld forever. Instead, just go with something romantic and simple, like a sunset on a cliff. It might be cute to propose in a way that commemorates your first date. That is, if your first date is something you want to remember. If you didn’t have that incident involving the spaghetti sauce and  the toilet paper.

Make sure to schedule the wedding relatively soon after the engagement, because the engagement period can be hard on the couple. When you’re not married and you’re not dating, it can be pretty frustrating to both parties.

Goodbye and Good-luck!

The post Jewish Dating: An Engaging Topic appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

I’m afraid this will be my last week working for SawYouAtSinai, so goodbye and good luck to all my readers and daters! Here is just a few mouthfuls of assorted dating tips that I want to leave you with!

• Compliments are a great way to endear yourself to your date. Your compliments should be based upon good things that really do impress you. Some great compliments are telling your date he/she is smart, good-looking, kind, or funny.
• Laughter and smiling is also very important for the atmosphere of the date. Your date will feel clever and funny if you are willing to laugh a little at his or her wry comments or stories. In some ways, laughter can be better than a compliment!
• Find things you have in common to talk about. Movies? Sports? Friends? Hobbies? Or, if that doesn’t work, listen to what your date is passionate about, and ask intelligent questions to show you’re interested too.
• You should be yourself on a date, but be your BEST self. In other words, be honest about the kind of person you are, but have good manners, dress nicely and be considerate.
• Once you get to know your date pretty well, inquire about his or her plans for the future. You both must come to an agreement if that is to work out.
• If you and your date are going to a bar for a date, have some alcohol, but know your limits! The last thing you want to do is get drunk on a date.
• Make sure to coordinate with your date whether you will be going out to eat, and what type of attire should be worn. You don’t want your date to be hungry at the museum or extremely well dressed at a baseball game.
• Don’t be too specific about your criteria for the perfect spouse. Most people end up marrying people completely different than they imagined, yet they are even happier! Think about what criteria must be a dealbreaker, and what doesn’t have to be.

I suppose that’s all folks! So long!

The post Jewish Dating: End of the Road! appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.