Jewish Dating, Self Identity, and Emotional Maturity, Oh My!

When should you start dating?  Is the right time whenever your mother starts nudging you?

The right time to start dating is not really a function of your age. I mean, you shouldn’t be looking for marriage before you can legally marry, of course. But that isn’t the main thing. Before you start looking for a real relationship, you should make sure you have a few important qualities. (keep in mind- I’m talking here about dating for the purpose of marriage.)

People argue about whether having a job is necessary before starting a relationship (not including full time mothers). I would say that you shouldn’t try to get married until you have the job you need to support your family, or you are on the path to getting that job. Otherwise, you are simply not being realistic. However, if it will take a really long time to get your job (cough, medical school, cough) it might be a good idea to start dating when you are unemployed, before you get too old.

You have to be emotionally ready. A dating blog I once read said that you should never date someone who has never had their heart broken, because that person will not hesitate to break your heart. That is a complete load of hogwash, since there are plenty of nice people who haven’t become broken hearted. However, what I think that blog wanted to say was that people need to be emotionally mature before they start dating for real. The definition of emotional maturity is somewhat ambiguous, but it entails the ability to control your emotions without being controlled by your emotions. For instance, this skill allows you to resolve conflicts through communication, and not through aggression. You will need this ability in the emotional whirlwind which is dating.

Someone who is dating must also think of the needs of people around him. Compassion and caring for each other isn’t just a single aspect of a relationship: it is the entirety of the relationship.

Lastly, I believe you need to be somewhat… stable. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t be willing to change for your partner. What I mean is, when you start dating, you should know who you are and what you aim to be. It’s difficult to date if your identity can turn on a dime. People want to know what they are getting into when they date you, so you ought to define yourself before you start dating.

See you next week!