Jewish Dating: Advice about ‘Chemistry’

Our Latest Jewish Dating advice

A conversation with SawYouAtSinai Matchmaker and Jewish Dating Coach Lori Salkin

@LoriSalkin:  Hey, can you talk?  What do I do… I went on a few dates with someone recently who is so nice and kind and caring and checks off nearly all my boxes…I really feel like a bad person saying this next part, but the wow factor is missing…???? they’re really objectively good looking (gorgeous eyes btw) and they’re really a nice person, I just don’t feel it…there’s no spark…sigh…I don’t want to settle.

@LookingForTheOne: Hey, thanks for reaching out.  This is probably one of the most common questions I get as a Matchmaker and Dating Coach.

Rest assured, this is normal.  Everyone says this to me. It is not settling to give a chance or another chance.

Chemistry can take time.  When you go on a first date it’s just that; you two are strangers. And you are also still strangers on the 2nd date and 3rd date and 4th date.  You don’t need to make a decision so early on whether or not this is “the one.”

Take your time – there is no rush.  Don’t worry about your parents calling you saying, “so…are you dating anyone…,” or married friends telling you you’re being too picky.  Try to ignore the pressure we put on ourselves living in a modern orthodox family centric community with its emphasis on marriage at a societally absurd young age, pressuring you to figure out if the person you are dating is the person you are going to marry asap.  If you are enjoying the time you are spending together, then go on ONE more date, and if that goes well, go on ONE more date after that. Take it ONE date at a time. Chemistry can develop on the first date, the 3rd, the 3rd month, or beyond. If each date builds on the one before that and you know that you are even 1% more connected to the person you are dating than that previous date, it is worth going out again.  Think about your closest friends. Did you become BFFs on your first encounter? Did you start to trust and lean on each other immediately. For most people, the answer is no. Close friendships take a long time to develop and dating is no different. While dating, you are first developing a friendship and as that friendship and connection grows and develops, the chemistry does too. Yes, there are definitely people around you who look like they have an instant chemistry with the person they are dating.  And I am sure you are wondering, why does their relationship come so naturally while I have to work so hard at mine? Well, all relationships are different and have parts that come more easily, and parts that require more effort.

With that said, for all those cases in which chemistry does develop, there are just as many when it does not.  It IS settling to just marry someone you do not have chemistry with. When you get to a point in which you know you have given it enough time, and no matter how much more time you could spend, nothing else will develop, you are definitely done.  When things are not growing or developing, then it is time to end things.

About Lori:

Lori is a relationship expert and matchmaker who has volunteered as a senior matchmaker for www.SawYouAtSinai.com and www.YUConnects.com for over 10 years.  Lori loves introducing couples and supporting, guiding and counseling them as a dating coach.  She makes herself available day and night to field questions and share advice on anything and everything, spanning from texting etiquette to proposal planning, and everything in between.

Lori has been consulted by and featured in the NY Post,  The New York Times Magazine, Martha Stewart Weddings, Glamour, MSN, Bustle, Women’s Health, Philly.com, Brides, Huffington Post, AskMen and more (http://lorisalkin.com/press/).  Lori has also consulted for Fortune 500 companies on Human Resources issues and has served as Scholar in Residence in Synagogues and Universities nationwide.

In addition to matchmaking, professionally, Lori was elected to public office in Massachusetts in 2009 and previously worked for MSNBC in New York City and NBC News in Boston.

Lori graduated from Boston University in 2004 with a Bachelors of Arts in Music and earned her M.B.A. in Finance and Management from Fordham University in 2008 and Masters Certificate at the Juilliard School in Dalcroze Pedagogy and Piano.

Lori currently serves on the Board of Directors at Kohelet Yeshiva and the Union Fire Association, is a member of the CHOP Foundation of the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, and was recently named as an ambassador to JScreen.

Lori is married with 4 kids.