In our new environment, we will need to try new approaches, even if we are slightly uncomfortable or skeptical that all of these new approaches will work.  Here are some additional tips, from SawYouAtSinai matchmaker and dating coach Lori Salkin on how to make your phone and video dating experiences as successful as possible.

Lori’s Social Distance Dating Tips:

1. Establish whether the first phone call is a phone date or a call to set up a phone or video date.  You are likely used to first phone calls being just a few minutes to get to the ask for the date, make sure you are both on the same page as to whether you should settle in for a long chat, or if this is just the pre phone date call.

2. Prepare for a video date as you would a normal date.  You still need to dress appropriately.  Even though current style trends may be pajamas all day, that is definitely not first video date attire.

3. Set up your video date space, and check how it looks on video.  Make sure the lighting is good, no random lights blurring out part of your head or shadows preventing the person from seeing you.  Make sure the background is appropriate for a date.  Try not to sit on your bed in your bedroom.

4. Break the ice.  At the beginning of your call, acknowledge how funny and different this is and that you’ve never done this before.  Lighten the tone and share a laugh together about the fact that no one expected that would be dating over the phone and video when you might only be a mile or so apart.

5. Do not talk about Coronovirus or how annoying this all is, the entire time.

6. Go out of your comfort zone.  You have to put in a lot more energy and effort if you’re not a phone person, not a fan of video calls or someone who likes to text.  But after the first call, it will get easier and more comfortable, especially if you click with the person you are phone dating.

7. Be patient.  While girls generally wait for the guy to make the first move in initiating a call or text, social distance dating is unchartered territory for everyone and even the most chivalristic guy may be thrown off in what the next move is and whose turn it is.  Guys also always tell me they like it when the girl takes some initiative and shows that she is interested too.

8. Grade on a Curve.  I don’t think there is a single person on the planet who can say they are truly unaffected by what is going on all around us.  Neither you nor the person you are dating are immune to stress from our new normal, added to the regular pressures of dating and now extra stress in social distance dating.

9. Social distance dating works!  We all know at least one couple who dated long distance and has a Disney Happily Ever After.

If you would like to reach out to Lori for additional advice, please email her at info@lorisalkin.com.  If you have thoughts or ideas that you would like to share with the SYAS team, please feel free to write into support@sawyouatsinai.com.

Please stay safe and healthy.

Marc Goldmann and the SYAS Team

The post Jewish Dating During Coronavirus: Phone & Video Dating Tips appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

A conversation with SawYouAtSinai Matchmaker and Jewish Dating Coach Lori Salkin

@LoriSalkin:  Hey, can you talk?  What do I do… I went on a few dates with someone recently who is so nice and kind and caring and checks off nearly all my boxes…I really feel like a bad person saying this next part, but the wow factor is missing…???? they’re really objectively good looking (gorgeous eyes btw) and they’re really a nice person, I just don’t feel it…there’s no spark…sigh…I don’t want to settle.

@LookingForTheOne: Hey, thanks for reaching out.  This is probably one of the most common questions I get as a Matchmaker and Dating Coach.

Rest assured, this is normal.  Everyone says this to me. It is not settling to give a chance or another chance.

Chemistry can take time.  When you go on a first date it’s just that; you two are strangers. And you are also still strangers on the 2nd date and 3rd date and 4th date.  You don’t need to make a decision so early on whether or not this is “the one.”

Take your time – there is no rush.  Don’t worry about your parents calling you saying, “so…are you dating anyone…,” or married friends telling you you’re being too picky.  Try to ignore the pressure we put on ourselves living in a modern orthodox family centric community with its emphasis on marriage at a societally absurd young age, pressuring you to figure out if the person you are dating is the person you are going to marry asap.  If you are enjoying the time you are spending together, then go on ONE more date, and if that goes well, go on ONE more date after that. Take it ONE date at a time. Chemistry can develop on the first date, the 3rd, the 3rd month, or beyond. If each date builds on the one before that and you know that you are even 1% more connected to the person you are dating than that previous date, it is worth going out again.  Think about your closest friends. Did you become BFFs on your first encounter? Did you start to trust and lean on each other immediately. For most people, the answer is no. Close friendships take a long time to develop and dating is no different. While dating, you are first developing a friendship and as that friendship and connection grows and develops, the chemistry does too. Yes, there are definitely people around you who look like they have an instant chemistry with the person they are dating.  And I am sure you are wondering, why does their relationship come so naturally while I have to work so hard at mine? Well, all relationships are different and have parts that come more easily, and parts that require more effort.

With that said, for all those cases in which chemistry does develop, there are just as many when it does not.  It IS settling to just marry someone you do not have chemistry with. When you get to a point in which you know you have given it enough time, and no matter how much more time you could spend, nothing else will develop, you are definitely done.  When things are not growing or developing, then it is time to end things.

About Lori:

Lori is a relationship expert and matchmaker who has volunteered as a senior matchmaker for www.SawYouAtSinai.com and www.YUConnects.com for over 10 years.  Lori loves introducing couples and supporting, guiding and counseling them as a dating coach.  She makes herself available day and night to field questions and share advice on anything and everything, spanning from texting etiquette to proposal planning, and everything in between.

Lori has been consulted by and featured in the NY Post,  The New York Times Magazine, Martha Stewart Weddings, Glamour, MSN, Bustle, Women’s Health, Philly.com, Brides, Huffington Post, AskMen and more (http://lorisalkin.com/press/).  Lori has also consulted for Fortune 500 companies on Human Resources issues and has served as Scholar in Residence in Synagogues and Universities nationwide.

In addition to matchmaking, professionally, Lori was elected to public office in Massachusetts in 2009 and previously worked for MSNBC in New York City and NBC News in Boston.

Lori graduated from Boston University in 2004 with a Bachelors of Arts in Music and earned her M.B.A. in Finance and Management from Fordham University in 2008 and Masters Certificate at the Juilliard School in Dalcroze Pedagogy and Piano.

Lori currently serves on the Board of Directors at Kohelet Yeshiva and the Union Fire Association, is a member of the CHOP Foundation of the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, and was recently named as an ambassador to JScreen.

Lori is married with 4 kids.

The post Jewish Dating: Advice about ‘Chemistry’ appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

The first step is to recognize that Hashem has carefully chosen the ideal match for you, and He wants you to find him or her. But, that person might not resemble the image that you have fashioned in your mind. He may not have the qualities that you think are essential, and she may come with other traits that you don’t think are particularly helpful.

And this is the critical point—the point that most people miss, the point that causes so much misery. It’s not your job to know. You can’t know. That’s Hashem’s job.

Hashem is the wise and generous Creator. Hashem knows the future as He knows the past. Hashem knows better than you do what’s best for you. And Hashem has selected the ideal match for you. Your job is to go out and find him.

To make it easier, Hashem has given us an intuition to know who that person is. That intuition is similar to the intuition that guides us in other areas of life.

Choosing a Career

The Chovos HaLevavos (Sha’ar Bitachon 3) explains that Hashem implanted into each species of animal the tools and the aptitude to hunt for a particular food and the appetite for it. The cow desires grass. The cat craves the mouse. The robin hungers for the worm. These are natural instincts that direct the animal toward what it needs for its sustenance.

So, too, with man. In order to help us earn a living, Hashem implanted in each person an inclination toward a particular type of work. Some people like to work with their hands. Some individuals are real numbers people. Some are natural businessmen. When my son was six years old, he was already buying and selling stuff. I said to my wife, “It’s pretty clear what he should be doing to earn a living.”

Hashem gave each person certain skills and the preference for a specific profession in order to support themselves. When choosing a career, the correct hishtadlus is to follow that predisposition. That’s what Hashem wants that person to do in order to earn a living.

So, too, when choosing a spouse. Hashem gave us the instinct to recognize our bashert. The system that we use to identify that person has two parts to it.

The Paper Test

The first is done before the two meet. Ideally, before anyone has seen anyone and certainly before there is any involvement or emotional investment, you take the “paper test.”

The paper test consists of asking the question: “On paper, do they match?” Are they looking for the same things in life? Do they share a similar outlook? Do they have compatible aspirations for their home? For their families? For life? If he intends to learn for the next ten years, and she only shops in Saks Fifth Avenue—we have a problem.

The paper test determines from an objective standpoint whether this is a good match. That doesn’t mean, “Do they have the same sense of humor?” “Are they equally intelligent?” “Are they similar in personality?” Those are compatibility issues—issues that only they can answer—and only in the second stage of the process.

The paper test is also where you look for things that you won’t see on the date. Is she emotionally stable? Does he have a drinking problem? Are there things in his past that might prevent him from being a supportive husband?

Assuming that the two are holding in about the same place in life, and there are no skeletons in the closet, they meet. Here, however, is where most people make their mistake.

Getting It Almost Right

Mark Twain used to say the difference between almost the right word and the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug—a mighty big difference. In a similar sense, the difference between the way people date and the way they should be dating is often worlds apart.

The reason you meet isn’t because you are looking for “the best girl in Brooklyn” or for “the person with the best middos.” Nor are you searching for “the person you want to spend your life with.” You are looking for the person who was chosen for you.

Not the one who comes closest to your image of what you want. Not someone who’s tall or short, fat or skinny, smart or dumb, introverted or extroverted. You are looking for your bashert—and you don’t know what she looks like, what her personality is like, what type of family she comes from, or even what type of person she is. There is only one way to know if she is the one—you take the Bashert Test.

The Bashert Test

The Bashert Test consists of meeting this person and seeing how you feel. Do you feel comfortable? Do you enjoy her company? Does it just sort of feel right?

Not deep, mad, passionate love. Not fireworks being shot off rooftops. Not even “Wow!” Just, does it feel natural? Your hishtadlus is to see if you feel an intuitive sense that this is the right one.

The questions to ask yourself are: Did I enjoy the dates? Do I look forward to seeing her again? Does it sort of seem to click?

There need not be any high level emotionality. No heart palpations and no shortness of breath. (Those are sure signs of infatuation, which if anything may cloud your vision.) Just an inner sense of peace. A feeling that it’s natural. We enjoy being with each other. It somehow feels like I’ve known her all of my life.

You’re looking for a feeling that this is the right one. When you have that, you move forward with the confidence that Hashem runs the world and that He has guided you to your bashert. And that is the point—Hashem has made the choice; you are out there to find the one that Hashem has chosen for you.

This is an excerpt from the new Shmuz on Bitachon book: Finding and Keeping your Soul mate. Look for it, June 1, in stores and online at www.theShmuz.com

Rabbi Shafier

Born and bred in Kew Gardens Hills, NY, Rabbi Shafier joined the Chofetz Chaim Yeshiva after high school. Shortly after he married, he and his new family moved to Rochester, NY, where he was a high school rebbe for twelve years. It was there that the Shmuz was born. He then moved to Monsey, NY where he was a rebbe in the new Chofetz Chaim branch for three years. Upon the Rosh Yeshiva’s request, he stopped teaching to devote his time to running Tiferes Bnei Torah and the Shmuz.

Rabbi Shafier, a happily married father of six children (and two grandchildren) currently resides in Monsey

The post Jewish Dating: The Bashert Test appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

When is the right time for an engagement? When you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, and you can tell your date feels the same way.

For the women- how do you get your date to propose to you? Simply talk directly about it with him, no hints or clues. It doesn’t have to be a secret!

For the men- I’m sure you’ve all heard stories of some ridiculously extravagant proposals, with marching bands and Time Square billboards. You don’t need any of that. It sets a tone for the marriage that cannot possibly be upheld forever. Instead, just go with something romantic and simple, like a sunset on a cliff. It might be cute to propose in a way that commemorates your first date. That is, if your first date is something you want to remember. If you didn’t have that incident involving the spaghetti sauce and  the toilet paper.

Make sure to schedule the wedding relatively soon after the engagement, because the engagement period can be hard on the couple. When you’re not married and you’re not dating, it can be pretty frustrating to both parties.

Goodbye and Good-luck!

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I’m afraid this will be my last week working for SawYouAtSinai, so goodbye and good luck to all my readers and daters! Here is just a few mouthfuls of assorted dating tips that I want to leave you with!

• Compliments are a great way to endear yourself to your date. Your compliments should be based upon good things that really do impress you. Some great compliments are telling your date he/she is smart, good-looking, kind, or funny.
• Laughter and smiling is also very important for the atmosphere of the date. Your date will feel clever and funny if you are willing to laugh a little at his or her wry comments or stories. In some ways, laughter can be better than a compliment!
• Find things you have in common to talk about. Movies? Sports? Friends? Hobbies? Or, if that doesn’t work, listen to what your date is passionate about, and ask intelligent questions to show you’re interested too.
• You should be yourself on a date, but be your BEST self. In other words, be honest about the kind of person you are, but have good manners, dress nicely and be considerate.
• Once you get to know your date pretty well, inquire about his or her plans for the future. You both must come to an agreement if that is to work out.
• If you and your date are going to a bar for a date, have some alcohol, but know your limits! The last thing you want to do is get drunk on a date.
• Make sure to coordinate with your date whether you will be going out to eat, and what type of attire should be worn. You don’t want your date to be hungry at the museum or extremely well dressed at a baseball game.
• Don’t be too specific about your criteria for the perfect spouse. Most people end up marrying people completely different than they imagined, yet they are even happier! Think about what criteria must be a dealbreaker, and what doesn’t have to be.

I suppose that’s all folks! So long!

The post Jewish Dating: End of the Road! appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

For example lets say you go on a date, and you suddenly realize that the person sitting across from you is not the person you’d like to share your life with. You have two choices:

a) don’t set up another date

b) set up another date or two, after which you will break up.

On one hand, option a) looks more insulting, because you weren’t even entertaining the possibility of a future together after one date.

However, the truth is that option b) is even more painful. It gives your date a false sense of affection between the two of you, which makes the breakup even more painful for your date, who may have actual feelings for you.

Now, I am not talking about cases where you aren’t sure whether you are interested. In those circumstances, by all means keep dating, because it is difficult to know what you think of someone until you’ve gone on a few dates with someone.

While I’m on the subject of breaking up, if you unfortunately have to break up with someone, it’s important to do it as respectfully as possible. For example, if you are breaking up with your date because he or she is not smart enough for your tastes, DO NOT admit that. Instead say something vague about how you feel it isn’t working out for the two of you.

Well that was a pretty pessimistic post! Before I end, I’d like to emphasize that we live in a consumerist culture in which we always think the next match will have absolutely no flaws and therefore we don’t give our current date the chance that he or she deserves. Consider everyone long and hard before breaking up, and don’t break up just because you think that the next person you date will be even better. Judge each date for who he or she is, and not for who the next person could be.

What are your feelings about breaking up? Comment below!

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“So, what brand of diapers do you think we should buy for the kids we’ll have?” asked Rebecca.

Whoa, Whoa! The first date is way to soon to start talking about the children you’ll have! It will make the date feel uncomfortable and nervous. On the other hand, it is important to discuss plans for the future before you marry someone. So what should the dating couple do?

I believe that there are three levels of conversation that daters should slowly progress through, in roughly this order:

1.- Small talk: This is all the light and fluffy stuff. Current events, stories from the workplace, hobbies and interests are great topics for the first date. These are the fun topics, and they don’t involve anything personal that will creep out your date.

2- The personal stuff-  In later dates, you will need to ask yourself the question “Who is this person?” Find out your date’s beliefs, family relationships, and personality. This builds a deeper relationship than the surface questions, but they have a greater potential to become awkward. Especially when you bring up your potato chip collection.

3- Actual plans for a future together- Once you both reach a mental understanding that you are both interested in marriage, start planning specifics. Where would you live? Would you like to have kids? Where will your kids live when they have kids? This is stuff you’d like to clear away before you marry someone.

Stay tuned for more Jewish dating advice next week!

Tell us how you tackle dating conversation in the comments below!

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With that being said, here is a heap of advice for dating at a restaurant. To make it easier to digest, I’ve turned it into a poem. Enjoy!

Before the date, make sure to wash,

For smell can’t be hidden by panache.

Dress properly for the venue,

In advance, peruse the menu

Don’t be late for your debut

Please close your mouth when you chew

Place a napkin upon your lap,

Control your temper, do not snap.

Pulling out chairs is chivalrous,

Texting on a date is insolence.

Unless you’re eating wings or fries,

Use of cutlery would be wise.

Do not mention the dinner’s cost

Drink too much wine and you are lost.

Even if the date’s not working for you,

Make sure to stay an hour or two.

Maintain eye contact throughout the night

That phone call can wait, he’ll be all right.

Men should drive their dates back home

See you soon! Goodbye!  and Shalom!

Send your dating questions to moses.d@jbolt.org

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When should you start dating?  Is the right time whenever your mother starts nudging you?

The right time to start dating is not really a function of your age. I mean, you shouldn’t be looking for marriage before you can legally marry, of course. But that isn’t the main thing. Before you start looking for a real relationship, you should make sure you have a few important qualities. (keep in mind- I’m talking here about dating for the purpose of marriage.)

People argue about whether having a job is necessary before starting a relationship (not including full time mothers). I would say that you shouldn’t try to get married until you have the job you need to support your family, or you are on the path to getting that job. Otherwise, you are simply not being realistic. However, if it will take a really long time to get your job (cough, medical school, cough) it might be a good idea to start dating when you are unemployed, before you get too old.

You have to be emotionally ready. A dating blog I once read said that you should never date someone who has never had their heart broken, because that person will not hesitate to break your heart. That is a complete load of hogwash, since there are plenty of nice people who haven’t become broken hearted. However, what I think that blog wanted to say was that people need to be emotionally mature before they start dating for real. The definition of emotional maturity is somewhat ambiguous, but it entails the ability to control your emotions without being controlled by your emotions. For instance, this skill allows you to resolve conflicts through communication, and not through aggression. You will need this ability in the emotional whirlwind which is dating.

Someone who is dating must also think of the needs of people around him. Compassion and caring for each other isn’t just a single aspect of a relationship: it is the entirety of the relationship.

Lastly, I believe you need to be somewhat… stable. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t be willing to change for your partner. What I mean is, when you start dating, you should know who you are and what you aim to be. It’s difficult to date if your identity can turn on a dime. People want to know what they are getting into when they date you, so you ought to define yourself before you start dating.

See you next week!

The post Jewish Dating, Self Identity, and Emotional Maturity, Oh My! appeared first on Orthodox Jewish Dating And Matchmaking At Saw You At Sinai.

• “Only losers have to use dating websites!” This is simply not true. Onl­ine dating lost this stigma years ago, and has now become a dating norm. Thousands of eligible, good looking, and popular people use dating websites like SawYouAtSinai. This is because online Jewish dating circumvents all the awkward conversations at bars or social gatherings while you try to figure out if a person is a) single b) wants to date and c) wants to date you. At SawYouAtSinai in particular, dating is made even easier by expert matchmakers. These matchmakers do the searching on behalf of the members so no-one needs to waste their precious time. In summary, people don’t use dating websites because they are desperate; they use them because they are easier.

• “There are tons of scammers and fakers lurking on the internet!” This fear does have factual basis. Many dating services are infested with catfishes- deceptive people making fake profiles for money or entertainment. However, on SawYouAtSinai, matchmakers actually hold telephone conversations with the members, and background checking and age verification is common practice. Since online imposters cannot hold together a facade through the calls and inquiries of matchmakers, SawYouAtSinai is a safe place to date online.

• “Isn’t it a little scary to let any random stranger see your profile?” Well, I suppose it can be uncomfortable to some people. Fortunately, SawYouAtSinai eliminates this problem because members’ profiles are only shown to people whom the matchmaker considers to be potential dates. Thus, only people worthy of possibly becoming a date can see your profile, not the general public.

• “Dating websites are an impersonal way to date.” Dating websites are just a way to find the right person for you to eventually date for real! People don’t date by looking at people’s profiles! The dating website is a means to enable people who might not have met otherwise to date naturally.

So don’t wait! If you’re looking for a match, check out SawYouAtSinai to maximize your dating opportunities! If you have other reasons to fear online dating, leave a comment below.

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